Wednesday 2 June 2010

Builders' Crack for Breakfast

English is a fantastic language. It has a word I've never got the chance of using - "builders' crack" - meaning the buttock crack that a builder bares when he works (or just sits). In German: Bauarbeiter-Ritze.

Well, up until this morning I thought "yeah, well, I don't think it's THAT bad." Then my builders arrived. They were very nice and friendly, but they were all cast from the same mold. First guy was no older than 16-18, I call him "wee lad" in my head. Second guy was what I call "strapping young lad", early to mid-twenties. And their middle-aged boss.

All of them had very short hair - we're talking maybe a millimetre left - all of them had those very typical English football hooligan faces. The type of guy that makes me cross the road when they haunt the streets when they are drunk on a Thursday/Friday night, jeering and hollering and sometimes accompanied by skimpily-clad equally drunk bimbos. I'm not making this stuff up.

Strapping Young Lad bent down to remove the heater from the wall - and there it was. The Builder's Crack. Nice ass overall, too. I've seen almost all of it after he was done with the heater.

They covered everything up, then basically told me to leave ("We don't want to keep you..."). Talked to Boss Man about removing the concrete in the front and back, too, I guess he'll write up a proposal (which might or might not cost an arm and a leg, but the concrete is really bugging me and is shit for drainage. That's my excuse and I'm sticking by it).

My biggest accomplishment of the day so far? I oiled the lock in the front door and it's now much smoother going. There were days when it took me five minutes to open the door. I hope the garden door lock agrees to the oil, too. There are days when I can't open that at all. And while I embrace quirks of old houses, my temper then wants to kick down the door and smash the window. NOT HELPFUL.

So, when I left, I heard them begin to hammer off the plaster in the hallway and kitchen (they have to damp-proof a couple walls). The hollow ringing sound of Strapping Young Guy's big hammer (hehe) made me wince a little. I guess I'm like a parent who has to leave the kid at the dentist, trying to ignore the tears of fear in the kid's eyes. It really tugged on my heart there and I realized they told me to leave because it might be a little tough to watch the process.

Gods, I'm getting way too attached to that house, but I just can't help it. I'm a Taurus, so "my house is my castle" squared. I know it's going to be awesome when it's done, and I see it getting there. It'll be all worth it.

And what really occurred to me yesterday was that my mother would have loved the house and especially the garden. I want to plant roses in her honor. Big, old world roses with a fragrance. My mother (who trained as a florist) always complained about beautiful but soulless, fragrance-less roses. She especially loved the English roses, and having lived here, I see why. I'll plant roses in the front and in the back (there's an enormous sprawling rose bush/tree which I'll have to show you guys or you won't believe it) in her memory.


  1. Alex, in German the actual expression for builder's crack is Maurerdekolletee. ;-)
    Enjoy the time of creatin your home, and if you need help with roses, just drop a line!

  2. *LOL* - I've NEVER heard that, but it made me laugh so hard into my coffee...

    Yes, I'd be happy to talk roses/garden. Yours looks really nice. :)

  3. Ah yes, the requisite plumber's butt. It's part of the service and not always pleasant. He must have really been working it if you got more than the first couple of inches...;)

    Wow, you're in full blown nesting mode. Although, I understand concrete and drainage issues - we owned a home built in the early 1900's and it was one of the first things we took care of. After that, we had a buffet custom built into one of the dining room walls. (One of the previous owners removed the original. Why would anyone do that?) It kicked ass!

    Roses. Lovely.

    Enjoy making the house your own - I envy you!

  4. Builder's crack. lol. Last time I had it occur, it was plumbers crack and it wasn't young or strapping. Rather old, large, dirty... friggin' plumbers crack...nasty.

    Old world roses. nice. Can't grow any rose of any kind where I live. :( Or gardens for that matter. Very hard to grow things here.

  5. *lol* Builder's crack is as great as Maurerdekolletee. :)
    Good for you, Alexandr, that his ass didn't look like his face. *ggg* Worst thing about builder's cracks is that you don't only get to see them with builders. Nope. I've seen way more cracks while walking the streets than in my own bedroom. [...] And most of the time, said cracks (on the streets) aren't even pleasant to look at.

    Hope everything's going well with your move!

  6. "Maurerdekolletee." hee hee hee!

    Gah...nothing like a Crack Attack first thing in the morning....ish

  7. I'm getting keys to my house on 21 June, if not earlier and I'll send u the pics then. We're doing the reverse - you're leaving your rental to move into your own whilst I'm selling mine and moving into a rental (for the next 3 years, anyway).

    I wondered if 'maurerdekolletee' was some kind of of decollete. I googled it and ja, it's not pleasant: German Butt Crack site

    No idea what the site says since it's in German but the drawings say it all, don't they?

  8. Alex, we have a HUGE garden now, and while tidying up the mess (cutting about 25 trees, removing huge bushes and lots of weed ...) I found about 10 pretty old and tiny rose trees (dried out actually) which I dug up and planted in sunny places. Seems it worked ...
    I kept the small rose garden with English roses and some old breeds (?) as well. But due to a darn cold time in May, they're all still not in flower, although some have got gazillions of buds. So we keep waiting. :-D

  9. @Tracey: Yup, nesting. No eggs, but a kick-ass nest. I can't deny my inner Taurus. And the buffet sounds awesome.

    @Amora: Well, the view wasn't too bad. Not sure I would think the same if it had been the old guy. :)

    @Lilli: There's that. I have friends who are teachers... they tell me sad stories about teenagers trying out fashion...

    @Jess: Yeah, better than breakfast - if you like that.

    @Elaine: Wow, you're moving fast, too. *lol* I will NOT google Butt Crack sites.

    @Iris: Sounds great! I'm waiting for the photographic evidence...